I often find myself longing for that next stage in life--whatever it may be. Whether it was a graduation, a job change, marriage, parenthood, a different stage of parenthood, and the list goes on. I thought it was because I am a youngest child and always wanted to catch up to where my siblings were. When I was in elementary school, I wished I could be in junior high like my sisters. Once I got to junior high, I wanted to be in high school, and once I got to high school, I couldn't wait for college!
Currently, I often long for the day when my kids will all sleep through the night and be a little more independent. I know it goes by fast; I hear that all the time from people--particularly older ladies at the grocery store. I know I should enjoy every moment, and I cherish many moments of fun and snuggles! However, I still find myself looking forward to a day when my children will need me a little less (which sounds terrible but it's true). Being needed every waking hour is a little much sometimes.
I also know there are downsides to having your children grow up and become more independent (namely less control over their environment and less ability to protect them from things in life). I remember my grandma once said she misses the days when she could tuck her children all in bed and know they were safe, because when you have adult children you can't be sure of that anymore. You have to watch them hurt and struggle without being able to kiss it better. Even still, I am excited to see the unique individuals my children will grow to be. I don't want to choose their life for them and who they will be, I want to guide them and ultimately let them figure it out.
I don't always long for the future though; there are moments when I relish the present and want to take it all in. There are too many motherly moments like that to count. Another one comes to mind when I was in my last semester of college walking along campus and thinking about how much I will miss this one day, and what an amazing opportunity it has been. To be fair, I thoroughly enjoyed all my classes that semester because I planned it so they would all be subjects I was passionate about. My feelings of gratitude and joy in that moment were starkly different from my fellow classmates who were literally counting down the days until graduating and endlessly talking about how much they want to be done. (Side-note: Maybe I wasn't counting down the days so much because it was my undergrad, and I knew it was just a stepping stone. Fast-forward four years when I was in my last semester of graduate school, and I was surely in the ready-to-be-done category!)
Enough about my own experiences though,
What do we do when we find ourselves longing for the future too much rather than enjoying the present?
...Mindfulness
Yes, I know mindfulness has become somewhat of a buzzword these days and is incorporated in many different therapeutic models. There is a reason people are talking about mindfulness though! It is a powerful concept to grasp and incorporate in your life.
Here are some basics called the five facets of mindfulness:
1) Observe: Be aware of your senses and really tune in to what is going on around you.
2) Describe: What are you experiencing?
3) Act with awareness: Does what you are going to do make sense considering your experience in the present?
4) Non-judging of inner experience: Noticing things without judging them as good or bad.
5) Non-reactivity to inner experience: A thought is just a thought. A feeling is just a feeling.
(Here is a handy link to see how mindful you are according to these facets: https://goamra.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/FFMQ_full.pdf)
Here are some examples from the above mentioned questionnaire if you are curious but not enough to click on the link:
38. I find myself doing things without paying attention.
15. I pay attention to sensations, such as the wind in my hair or sun on my face.
8. I don’t pay attention to what I’m doing because I’m daydreaming, worrying, or otherwise distracted.
3. I criticize myself for having irrational or inappropriate emotions.
21. In difficult situations, I can pause without immediately reacting.
35. When I have distressing thoughts or images, I judge myself as good or bad, depending what the thought/image is about.
Wouldn't it be great to be more mindful? How often do we get lost in our thoughts about the future or past? How often do we miss out on the little things because we are on autopilot in life?
It takes practice! Find little ways to incorporate it everyday. Maybe you can notice the feel of dishes and the smell of dish soap more when you wash your dishes today or something like that.
Don't beat yourself up if you find yourself reverting back to longing for the future, gently bring yourself back to the present and tune into your senses.
To clarify, it is fine to look forward to or plan for the future. This post is about the "I'll be happy when.." syndrome. The idea that some event will suddenly make someone happier and they can't possibly be happy until then. If you can look forward to the future and still enjoy where you're at, then comment with your secrets! If you look forward to the future so much that it sucks the joy out of the present, share your struggles and what you have tried so far.
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