Step 4: Maintain Healthy Boundaries
We hear a lot of talk about boundaries lately, but what do they really mean? Furthermore, what do they mean in the marital context? Boundaries are basically the lines we draw to keep from hurting ourselves. Our boundaries are our safe space, and as such, they are important. When we extend beyond them, we put ourselves at risk.
Even if we convince ourselves it is okay to dangle our foot outside our boundary every now and then, we may find ourselves suddenly and accidentally fallen out of our safe place entirely! (Side note: personal boundaries are different than a comfort zone. A comfort zone should be stretched and tested so you can grow, while boundaries should be kept for your own emotional safety.)
It is critical to keep up both our physical and emotional boundaries. In the context of a marriage, I like to think of boundaries like a special file folder of things only between husband and wife. With the exception of a couples counselor or other professional, other people should not be given access into that folder.
This means your co-workers don't need to hear everything wrong with your spouse, your family members don't need to hear about your sex life, and your friends don't need to be emotionally depended on to a greater extent than you depend on your spouse. Be especially cautious with friends who are members of the gender you are attracted to, even if you aren't attracted to them at the time, emotional intimacy can build attraction. In case you didn't realize it, emotional affairs still count as affairs (and sadly, they often lead to physical affairs).
Even if we convince ourselves it is okay to dangle our foot outside our boundary every now and then, we may find ourselves suddenly and accidentally fallen out of our safe place entirely! (Side note: personal boundaries are different than a comfort zone. A comfort zone should be stretched and tested so you can grow, while boundaries should be kept for your own emotional safety.)
It is critical to keep up both our physical and emotional boundaries. In the context of a marriage, I like to think of boundaries like a special file folder of things only between husband and wife. With the exception of a couples counselor or other professional, other people should not be given access into that folder.
This means your co-workers don't need to hear everything wrong with your spouse, your family members don't need to hear about your sex life, and your friends don't need to be emotionally depended on to a greater extent than you depend on your spouse. Be especially cautious with friends who are members of the gender you are attracted to, even if you aren't attracted to them at the time, emotional intimacy can build attraction. In case you didn't realize it, emotional affairs still count as affairs (and sadly, they often lead to physical affairs).
Step 5: Learn How to Say Sorry and Forgive
Successful couples know how to really say sorry and forgive. Is it always easy? No. There is a tendency to re-hash old wounds during an argument even when those things from the past have been dealt with. This is a bad habit to get into, and it happens because we try to think of things to use as ammunition against the partner we are angry at.
The first step to saying sorry is sincerely apologizing for what you did. This means you say sorry and leave it at that, not throw in a, 'but I did that because...' The 'but' part cancels out the previous apology. Recognize your partner's feelings are valid, and whether you meant to hurt them or not, now is the time to apologize.
Forgiving is letting something from the past go and giving the person a chance to be trusted again. Forgiveness takes time, and it depends on the person how long. Respect the process. There are times, however, that you think you have forgiven someone, and then the bitter feelings sneak back in. Take a breath in and release that negative energy. Replace it with a visualization of sending love to them. (There are some great guided meditations out there along those lines such as https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4q5Cd-DsLI) The negative energy is hurting you more than it is hurting the person you aren't forgiving.
Practice, practice, practice! Give each other the chance to become better and earn trust again. One beautiful thing about marriage is that your spouse can help you become a better person than you could be alone, and vise-versa.
Lastly, don't be afraid to go to counseling if you feel it could help your marriage. It is better to do it sooner rather than later.
If you're wondering what steps 4 and 5 were to achieving marital bliss, then you have come to the right place. Read about steps 1-3 in my previous post:
https://thementalaidstation.blogspot.com/2018/01/5-steps-to-marital-bliss-part-1.html
Successful couples know how to really say sorry and forgive. Is it always easy? No. There is a tendency to re-hash old wounds during an argument even when those things from the past have been dealt with. This is a bad habit to get into, and it happens because we try to think of things to use as ammunition against the partner we are angry at.
The first step to saying sorry is sincerely apologizing for what you did. This means you say sorry and leave it at that, not throw in a, 'but I did that because...' The 'but' part cancels out the previous apology. Recognize your partner's feelings are valid, and whether you meant to hurt them or not, now is the time to apologize.
Forgiving is letting something from the past go and giving the person a chance to be trusted again. Forgiveness takes time, and it depends on the person how long. Respect the process. There are times, however, that you think you have forgiven someone, and then the bitter feelings sneak back in. Take a breath in and release that negative energy. Replace it with a visualization of sending love to them. (There are some great guided meditations out there along those lines such as https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4q5Cd-DsLI) The negative energy is hurting you more than it is hurting the person you aren't forgiving.
Practice, practice, practice! Give each other the chance to become better and earn trust again. One beautiful thing about marriage is that your spouse can help you become a better person than you could be alone, and vise-versa.
Lastly, don't be afraid to go to counseling if you feel it could help your marriage. It is better to do it sooner rather than later.
If you're wondering what steps 4 and 5 were to achieving marital bliss, then you have come to the right place. Read about steps 1-3 in my previous post:
https://thementalaidstation.blogspot.com/2018/01/5-steps-to-marital-bliss-part-1.html
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