5 Steps to Marital Bliss (Part 1)

Step 1: Stop Expecting it

Seriously, stop. Stop comparing your marriage to the way other people's marriages seem to be (everyone has issues they are working on). Stop expecting perfection and doubting yourself, your spouse, and/or your marriage because it doesn't meet that unrealistic standard. Marriage is absolutely wonderful, but like many wonderful things in life, it requires constant work.

It's okay if you don't feel magical butterflies every day like you did in the early phases of dating! In fact, it's normal and expected. It doesn't mean the chemistry is gone, it simply means you are in a different and much deeper stage of love. Yes the novelty and newness are past, but the close connection you have built through time and trials can be much more meaningful. Don't get the wrong idea and think I am saying it's okay to ignore the need for date nights and romance. By all means, keep things exciting and fresh! Beware the dullness of the day-to-day schedule that can easily happen.

However, remember that all couples go through some highs and lows. I have worked with many clients who worry so much about their relationship not being perfect that it takes them away from being present in their relationship. Therefore they start ruining a perfectly good relationship because they are worrying about it excessively. Relax!

Step 2: Be Honest and Open

I can't emphasize this one enough. Many marital woes can be solved and even prevented with honest and open communication. Talk with your spouse about your feelings, goals, concerns, preferences, etc. Avoid assuming you are on the same page about things because there is a chance you are not. 

Make sure to say what you really mean, and not simply what you think your spouse wants to hear. When couples fall into the trap of hiding their real feelings in an effort to be unselfish, the resulting resentment can spoil the sweetness of the relationship. While it is important to be giving and willing to sacrifice in relationships, there is a balance. If you feel there is not enough reciprocation or compromise happening, don't silently go along with growing bitterness towards your partner, bring up your concerns and work towards a solution together.

Additionally, make sure to tune in and listen fully when your spouse is talking. In other words, put down or turn off the distractions and focus on each other. It makes quite a difference.

Step 3: Be Respectful and Kind

The step mentioned above, honesty, does not mean being brutally honest. Always be respectful and kind to your spouse, even when they may have made a mistake. No need to verbally attack them as a person or emotionally abuse them. Difficult things can be discussed in constructive ways, such as focusing on the specific behavior rather than making generalizations about the person. For example, avoid phrases like "You always..." or "You never..." or "You're a (insert insulting word or expletive)." Being mean is neither necessary nor helpful. 

However, in the heat of an argument, it can be hard to keep your cool. This is where "I feel" statements can come in handy. They force you to stop and think about how you are feeling, and they allow you to express those feelings to your partner in a way that can make you feel heard. I know they sound corny at first. If you seriously try using "I feel" statements, you will be amazed how they can help you work through conflict in healthier ways. After all, we know from relationship expert and psychologist, John Gottman, that the ability to work through conflict is a major predictor of relationships lasting.

Steps 4 and 5 will be shared in my blog post next week, so check back!