When Parental Love is Elusive

I'm just going to come right out and say it: not all parents love their children unconditionally. Maybe they think they do, but the messages they send their children tend to be more disapproving than loving.

In fact, if both your parents love you unconditionally count yourself lucky because you are in the minority. When one parent does and the other parent doesn't, you can still get by because the love from the one helps you develop a healthy sense of self and cope with the lack of love from the other parent. The wounds are still hard to heal though. The worst case scenario is when neither parent loves their child unconditionally. This results in a child who feels constantly rejected and never good enough.

When a child feels rejected, the tendency is to blame themselves for not being good enough to love because they can't fathom (at that age) that parents are flawed. Also, egocentric thinking is typical for young children. Rather than thinking, 'Mommy is unstable and doesn't know how to love me right now,' they think, 'Mommy doesn't love me because I am not good enough or worthy of love.'

If you have ever been told you basically ruined your parent's life by being born, then you know the feeling I am talking about. How is a child supposed to interpret a hurtful comment like that? An adult knows that is an inappropriate message to say to a son or daughter, but a child or teen (or even a vulnerable adult) may take it personally.

If you feel like you rarely measure up to parental/caregiver expectations no matter how hard you try, here are some steps to overcome the feelings of shame and inferiority that come from dysfunctional parenting:

1) Develop Yourself

Rather than chasing talents or successes you think your parents will be proud of, chase your own dreams in life. One possible response to not measuring up to parental expectations would be to stop trying and be apathetic. The problem with that is it leads to low self-esteem and depressed feelings. In other words, it just brings you down even more. By all means, succeed in life, but do it for yourself rather than to please others. One of the best ways to build self-esteem is to work hard at things and feel a sense of accomplishment.

2) Surround Yourself with More Uplifting People 

The impact of toxic people in your life can be profoundly negative. Sometimes you don't even realize how much people are affecting you. A good test for if someone is toxic or uplifting is to pay attention to your emotions right after you talk to them. Do you feel good about yourself and ready to face the day? Or do you feel overwhelmed or guilty for doing nothing wrong? Toxic people have a way of manipulating that can convince you of things that aren't true.

We may not always be able to choose the people in our lives (whether work, family, neighbors, etc.), but we can choose to what extent we let them in our lives. Maintain boundaries according to your comfort level, and be mindful to people who seem to have a negative influence on you.

Additionally, seek out and invest in relationships with supportive people. These are the types of people who know your strengths and can remind you of them when you're down. They have great listening ears and wise advice (when requested). Now you may be thinking, 'Where do I find a friend like that?' Here is a tip, start by being a friend like that, and there is a good chance it will be reciprocated.

3) Connect to a Higher Power

One major thing that has helped me in this process is remembering who I am spiritually. No matter what you believe in, you probably have a sense that there is more to life than just yourself. You have also probably noticed that you feel happier and more meaning in life when you connect with something bigger than yourself.

Remembering your place and potential in the world is applicable whether you believe in God, the universe, karma, or even if you're not quite sure what to believe. Maybe take some time to ponder existential questions. Why are you in the world? Why at this time? What is your purpose? Etc.

4) Recognize that Parents are Mortal

Here's where some compassion comes in. This post isn't meant to bash parents; it is meant to help their now grown-up children make sense of the shame from parental interactions. Parenting is hard! There are no required classes or certification tests to bring children into the world, they come to people who are ready or not (and nobody is ever really ready).

So yes, parents make mistakes, and yes, those mistakes can affect their children for life. However, it doesn't mean we can't be understanding and try to put ourselves in our parents' place. The sleep deprivation of parenthood alone can drive anyone crazy! My mom had 4 kids by age 26, and now that I am 26, I can only imagine how hard that would have been.

Give your parents the benefit of the doubt and recognize they were probably trying their best to raise you. Maybe you still feel like your parents are purposely malicious. Well, remember it is likely they learned how to parent from their parents. If your mom is the master of guilt trips, there's a good chance she's been on extensive guilt trips from her mom through the years.

This perspective can relieve some hard feelings towards parents and can be a great way to re-frame things. It doesn't excuse the behavior (especially in cases of abuse and neglect), but it can help you sort out your feelings about it and enhance compassion rather than bitterness.

Hopefully this post helps! What are some ways you have overcome your feelings of shame from not measuring up to parental expectations? Where are you on your healing journey? Comment and share!