Rescuers, blamers, and toxic shamers

This one's for all the rescuers.
For the people who feel like they are responsible for saving their loved ones from their own mistakes. For people who are filled with compassion but accidentally end up enabling their loved ones.

Here's the truth: you are responsible for your own thoughts, behaviors, and actions. Nobody else's. Some people may try to make you feel like you are responsible or to blame due to their own inability to take accountability in life. Don't buy into their shaming tactics. 

Obviously I am not suggesting everyone should only live for themselves and ignore loved ones who need help. Service is, in my opinion, one of the things that gives life meaning. Someday we may be on the receiving end and incredibly grateful for the help. This post is about the loved ones that need help all...the...time. They aren't just going through a rough patch; their entire life is a giant rough patch and black hole where helpful people's wishes go to die.

Sometimes I work with clients who are solely there to learn how to deal with a difficult loved one. They obviously care about their loved one and want to continue their relationship because they took the time to come to therapy. They then express to me how emotionally, physically, and often financially drained they feel, and how their resentment is building and spoiling the relationship anyway. They desperately ask me how to know when to draw the line between helping their loved one and stopping the aid they are giving.

There are no easy answers and every situation is different. I tell them to be aware of their own needs and feelings. If people are honest with themselves, they will know when to say no. It comes down to priorities. Helping a loved one may be high on a person's priority list, but there are often other things that are even higher. For example, if one of the most important things in your life keeps getting pushed to the side to go to the rescue of this struggling family member, the line has definitely been crossed.

Sometimes we can't save everyone. As much as it hurts. Sometimes we have to watch our loved ones hit rock bottom to finally learn these things called consequences (you know, the handy things that help shape behavior). Again, this is not easy, and there is a balance. I suggest making clear deadlines, expectations, and expression of feelings. 

Just a reminder: YOUR feelings matter too. Rescuers are allowed to have valid feelings and other priorities as well. I say this because often when people attempt to have boundaries with difficult and draining family members, they get what I call, 'emotional vomit' spewed in their face. Emotional vomit is basically all the shame and crap people can't deal with themselves in healthy ways, so they spew it on their loved one as a manipulation tactic. You are not a bad person for having boundaries, and you don't always have to be a rescuer.