How we paid off $160,000 of student loans in 4 years

How we paid off $160,000 of student loans in 4 years

without living in our parents' basement or in a van down by the river...

Our family in 2015 (2 years after graduation
in front of our apartment)

You may be wondering what a post about finances is doing in a therapy blog. Well if you have ever felt the chronic stress of being financially insecure, you know the answer! Finances affect your stress, relationships, anxiety, and so much more. I grew up being financially insecure, to the point that we had our water, power, and phone shut off and eviction notices at our door numerous times. When it came to food, let's just say I am thankful for the friends I had that fed me when I went to their house! They don't know how much it meant to me to have reliable access to food. Even after years of being financially secure, I still get a frightened feeling pressing the submit button to see my bank account. Logically, I know there is money there, but I still feel that worry from the past of suddenly not having enough to pay bills.

Enough about me though...

You probably came here to discover a way out of your student loans faster and be free from that stress!

As college tuition rises and graduate degrees become the new bachelors degrees, many people are faced with student loans. To be fair, one of the reasons we were able to pay off so much in such a short time is because my husband's career (pharmacist) pays more than the median income. However, that is also the main reason why we had so many student loans in the first place--only about $25,000 of the $160,000 we paid off was from my degree in social work.

1. Only take out what you have to in the first place

We were able to get by only taking out enough loans to pay tuition. Many people choose to take out money to live on as well, and I understand many have no other choice, it really depends on the situation. If there is any way you can work while you are in school or have you spouse work while you are in school, I would recommend it. You may be thinking, 'I can't work while in graduate school,' but you would be surprised what you can accomplish if you manage your time well. Many people work while in grad school, just don't expect to have a social life or hobbies during that time. Sleep also might be scant, but that busy schedule won't last forever. My husband was in an accelerated Doctorate program and still worked 10 hour shifts every Saturday. It wasn't always easy, and we definitely lived cheap, but our needs were all met and it was worth it.

2. Keep your 'poor student' mentality even after graduating

When you finish graduate school and start earning way more than you ever have before, it can be really tempting to start spending like you never have before! Don't fall into that trap though. Remember the money you are earning is not reallly yours yet because you still have a mountain of student loans. So many people feel entitled to 'treat themselves' after working so hard through school, and while some of that is reasonable, some it excessive and should be put off until the student loans are lower. Many people in my husband's graduating class went out and bought new houses, new cars, and went on fancy vacations soon after graduating. I will admit, we saved up and went to Hawaii in 2016, but by that point, we were already far along in our paying off goals. You can have some enjoyment, just maybe not a big vacation every year.

After graduating, we stayed in our same cheap apartment ($725 per month) and we kept our same cheap cars up until we traded one out for a bigger one once we had a baby a year after graduating. In fact, my husband still has his 2002 Toyota Corolla. We hope it lasts a few more years. We believe in paying for cars in cash, so it takes a while to save up among all the other things we are saving for right now.

Bottom line, don't worry about keeping up with appearances of other people in your income bracket. Your possessions don't make you a professional, your work and education has already made you a professional. Life isn't a contest to see who spends the most money. Maybe for some people it is, but your retirement will be a whole lot better!

3. Be smart about the interest

If you need to motivate yourself to pay off your loans rather than enjoy your money now, go ahead and look at how much interest you are paying! Do it now, I dare you. It is so depressing how fast interest adds up! Our first year out of school, we paid about $14,000 in interest! That is more than we have ever spent on a car. Grad school loans are usually much higher than other types of loans as well. If it makes sense for you to refinance to get a lower rate, then I would recommend it. Some people roll their loans into their home, and that can work well. We couldn't do that though because we were still renting our same apartment as mentioned earlier. 

(Side note: In hindsight, sometimes we wonder if we should've bought a home sooner. The market would've been better! Honestly though, it seemed like such a big commitment at the time because we weren't sure where were going to end up. We also enjoyed the perks of not having any yard work to worry about and having our landlords take care of any needed repairs. Home ownership is worth it and all, but it can also be incredibly expensive and stressful. We were worrying about other things at the time like adjusting to parenthood and me starting graduate school).

The reason we decided to take out loans for my tuition and use our money to pay my husband's loans was because the rate for his loans was higher. A few years later, I looked into refinancing with Sofi, but by that point, we were so close to having them paid off that their finance charge (5 year minimum) wasn't even worth it. We just kept paying off our loans so we could start saving a down payment and finally buy a house.

4. Commit to specific amount you will pay each month

The minimum student loan payment is nowhere near enough if you are serious about being free of student loans soon. Look at your budget and figure out what you can sacrifice to pay off more. It is easy to tell yourself you will pay more when you can, but when do we ever magically have more time and money in life? It also helps to track your spending because the little things add up. We like the Good Budget app that uses the envelope system. When we started tracking our spending more strictly, we realized how much we spend on groceries and were able to cut that number down. We also don't go out to eat very often, and when we do there is usually a coupon or gift card involved.

Paying off your loans faster will be worth it, and once you get going and see your momentum, it is exciting and you want to see that number go down even more! For our situation and income, we decided we would pay at least $3,000 per month. That was our self imposed minimum, and if there did happen to be extra money (tax returns, overtime, etc.), we would pay off even more. 

Sure we may have missed out on some luxuries along the way that other 6 figure income earners are accustomed to, but it was so worth it to pay off those loans fast and be free! 

Keep moving toward your goals and keep a long term financial perspective!

Longing for that next stage in life? 5 ways to incorporate mindfulness

I often find myself longing for that next stage in life--whatever it may be. Whether it was a graduation, a job change, marriage, parenthood, a different stage of parenthood, and the list goes on. I thought it was because I am a youngest child and always wanted to catch up to where my siblings were. When I was in elementary school, I wished I could be in junior high like my sisters. Once I got to junior high, I wanted to be in high school, and once I got to high school, I couldn't wait for college!

Currently, I often long for the day when my kids will all sleep through the night and be a little more independent. I know it goes by fast; I hear that all the time from people--particularly older ladies at the grocery store. I know I should enjoy every moment, and I cherish many moments of fun and snuggles! However, I still find myself looking forward to a day when my children will need me a little less (which sounds terrible but it's true). Being needed every waking hour is a little much sometimes.

I also know there are downsides to having your children grow up and become more independent (namely less control over their environment and less ability to protect them from things in life). I remember my grandma once said she misses the days when she could tuck her children all in bed and know they were safe, because when you have adult children you can't be sure of that anymore. You have to watch them hurt and struggle without being able to kiss it better. Even still, I am excited to see the unique individuals my children will grow to be. I don't want to choose their life for them and who they will be, I want to guide them and ultimately let them figure it out.

I don't always long for the future though; there are moments when I relish the present and want to take it all in. There are too many motherly moments like that to count. Another one comes to mind when I was in my last semester of college walking along campus and thinking about how much I will miss this one day, and what an amazing opportunity it has been. To be fair, I thoroughly enjoyed all my classes that semester because I planned it so they would all be subjects I was passionate about. My feelings of gratitude and joy in that moment were starkly different from my fellow classmates who were literally counting down the days until graduating and endlessly talking about how much they want to be done. (Side-note: Maybe I wasn't counting down the days so much because it was my undergrad, and I knew it was just a stepping stone. Fast-forward four years when I was in my last semester of graduate school, and I was surely in the ready-to-be-done category!)

Enough about my own experiences though,

What do we do when we find ourselves longing for the future too much rather than enjoying the present?

...Mindfulness
Yes, I know mindfulness has become somewhat of a buzzword these days and is incorporated in many different therapeutic models. There is a reason people are talking about mindfulness though! It is a powerful concept to grasp and incorporate in your life.

Here are some basics called the five facets of mindfulness:
1) Observe: Be aware of your senses and really tune in to what is going on around you.
2) Describe: What are you experiencing?
3) Act with awareness: Does what you are going to do make sense considering your experience in the present?
4) Non-judging of inner experience: Noticing things without judging them as good or bad.
5) Non-reactivity to inner experience: A thought is just a thought. A feeling is just a feeling.

(Here is a handy link to see how mindful you are according to these facets: https://goamra.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/FFMQ_full.pdf)

Here are some examples from the above mentioned questionnaire if you are curious but not enough to click on the link:

38. I find myself doing things without paying attention.
15. I pay attention to sensations, such as the wind in my hair or sun on my face.
8. I don’t pay attention to what I’m doing because I’m daydreaming, worrying, or otherwise distracted.
3. I criticize myself for having irrational or inappropriate emotions.
21. In difficult situations, I can pause without immediately reacting.
35. When I have distressing thoughts or images, I judge myself as good or bad, depending what the thought/image is about.

Wouldn't it be great to be more mindful? How often do we get lost in our thoughts about the future or past? How often do we miss out on the little things because we are on autopilot in life?

It takes practice! Find little ways to incorporate it everyday. Maybe you can notice the feel of dishes and the smell of dish soap more when you wash your dishes today or something like that.

Don't beat yourself up if you find yourself reverting back to longing for the future, gently bring yourself back to the present and tune into your senses.

To clarify, it is fine to look forward to or plan for the future. This post is about the "I'll be happy when.." syndrome. The idea that some event will suddenly make someone happier and they can't possibly be happy until then. If you can look forward to the future and still enjoy where you're at, then comment with your secrets! If you look forward to the future so much that it sucks the joy out of the present, share your struggles and what you have tried so far.

Rescuers, blamers, and toxic shamers

This one's for all the rescuers.
For the people who feel like they are responsible for saving their loved ones from their own mistakes. For people who are filled with compassion but accidentally end up enabling their loved ones.

Here's the truth: you are responsible for your own thoughts, behaviors, and actions. Nobody else's. Some people may try to make you feel like you are responsible or to blame due to their own inability to take accountability in life. Don't buy into their shaming tactics. 

Obviously I am not suggesting everyone should only live for themselves and ignore loved ones who need help. Service is, in my opinion, one of the things that gives life meaning. Someday we may be on the receiving end and incredibly grateful for the help. This post is about the loved ones that need help all...the...time. They aren't just going through a rough patch; their entire life is a giant rough patch and black hole where helpful people's wishes go to die.

Sometimes I work with clients who are solely there to learn how to deal with a difficult loved one. They obviously care about their loved one and want to continue their relationship because they took the time to come to therapy. They then express to me how emotionally, physically, and often financially drained they feel, and how their resentment is building and spoiling the relationship anyway. They desperately ask me how to know when to draw the line between helping their loved one and stopping the aid they are giving.

There are no easy answers and every situation is different. I tell them to be aware of their own needs and feelings. If people are honest with themselves, they will know when to say no. It comes down to priorities. Helping a loved one may be high on a person's priority list, but there are often other things that are even higher. For example, if one of the most important things in your life keeps getting pushed to the side to go to the rescue of this struggling family member, the line has definitely been crossed.

Sometimes we can't save everyone. As much as it hurts. Sometimes we have to watch our loved ones hit rock bottom to finally learn these things called consequences (you know, the handy things that help shape behavior). Again, this is not easy, and there is a balance. I suggest making clear deadlines, expectations, and expression of feelings. 

Just a reminder: YOUR feelings matter too. Rescuers are allowed to have valid feelings and other priorities as well. I say this because often when people attempt to have boundaries with difficult and draining family members, they get what I call, 'emotional vomit' spewed in their face. Emotional vomit is basically all the shame and crap people can't deal with themselves in healthy ways, so they spew it on their loved one as a manipulation tactic. You are not a bad person for having boundaries, and you don't always have to be a rescuer.

The powerful messages about trauma in movies

Trauma can be hard to talk about, but it is a common theme in movies that we spend time and money to watch. In this post, I will highlight movies I think do a great job of portraying trauma and teaching people about it. This is by no means an all-inclusive list though, just a few that came to mind, so feel free to comment and add some of your favorite movies that involve trauma.

Movies are meant to entertain us and help us escape from everyday worries. However, when they are made well, they can also elicit powerful emotions. I have noticed that since entering the mental health field, I view things differently and think about them deeper than I did before. For example, when I hear a song on the radio that blatantly objectifies and/or claims ownership of someone's body, I reflect on the many clients I have had who have been sexually abused and how painful that message might be for them to hear.

Or sometimes it is just little critiques about how things would be in the real world. For example, a complaint I have about 'Frozen' is that the sisters would need a lot more time and family therapy to work through their dysfunctional relationship than just one powerful moment of true sisterly love. So many years of hurt healed in one moment--only in Disney. Don't we all wish that were true in real life!

Side note, trauma is a word that is thrown around a lot, but what does it really mean? There are obvious traumatic experiences such as those that occur in war or abuse of any kind, but the underlying requirement for something to be traumatic is for it to be beyond a person's power to deal with. A situation where a person feels powerless and therefore extremely unsafe and afraid.

Anyway, I will move on to the movies I believe handle trauma themes well:

1) Rememory (2017)

"When you watch this, you'll realize who I am--who I really am." (Sam)
"[...] Whoever you really are, thank you." (Freddie)

This is the movie I watched last night that actually inspired this blog post. It was fascinating! I am so glad I stumbled upon it as I was scrolling through Amazon Prime movies to stream as I folded laundry. I don't want to spoil anything though because I highly recommend you watch this movie. The premise is a brilliant psychologist who creates a machine that can extract memories accurately and enable you to re-experience them in an effort to work through painful memories and trauma. Turns out, there are some serious problems with the machine such as it causing hallucinations, dwelling on painful memories too much, bringing back repressed things that the subjects wish were still repressed, etc. There is some mystery along the way and some holes in the main characters' trauma you don't learn the full story about until the end. 

The message this movie teaches about how our memories shape us is amazing. We need to embrace the good and bad memories in our lives, because both extremes have made us who we are. There is no delete button, but we can work through things. I love the symbolic ways the characters deal with trauma in the end. It is beautiful. It teaches us that we are so much more than the trauma we have been through, the mistakes we have made, or the unfulfilled dreams we have. We can move forward. Hope and love are the answers.

Our memories make up so much of who we are and how we experience things. It is amazing how subjective they can be though. I'm sure you can think of a family member that remembers things completely different than you do even though you had similar experiences. It is almost like people have their own reality sometimes. This is why many forms of therapy seek to teach people to be more neutral or rational in their thoughts and perceptions, and thereby gradually changing their emotions and behaviors.

2) The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012)

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

This movie (book originally) deals with a socially awkward teenager who discovers a lot about himself and has some significant trauma from his past (an aunt who abused him). I was impressed with how they portrayed mental health issues and dealing with trauma in an accurate way, and how difficult it can be to find yourself and love yourself when you are dealing with the effects of trauma.

3) Moana (2016)

"They have stolen the heart that's inside you, but this does not define you. This is not who you are. You know who you are." 

This one isn't as obvious or outright as the others, but still can teach a powerful lesson about effects of trauma. Te Fiti is full of anger and fire because her heart has been stolen (which can be likened to any traumatic experience). When Moana validates and shows she understands Te Fiti, she unlocks the secret to dissolving the beastly effects trauma can have. If you have a loved one who deals with trauma, it is very possible they go into 'fight or flight mode' extremely easily and say things they don't mean. It is helpful to have an understanding that their lashing out is coming from a place of their own hurt. This is not to say their trauma excuses them from being responsible for their actions though, so make sure to keep healthy boundaries and be assertive when you are being treated poorly--whatever the underlying reason.

Movies are a great way to open up more discussion on certain topics. Comment with what movies you would add to the list! 

When Life Throws you Down...Repeatedly

When Life Throws you Down...Repeatedly

Do you ever feel like one thing after another goes wrong in life, and when you get back up, you get thrown down by something else? Why does it seem like when one thing goes bad, everything else has to crumble too? 

The different domains in our life (such as the ones pictured above--work, family, relationships, and social life. As well as other ones such as how we are feeling physically, emotionally, and spiritually) often bleed into each other and when one domain gets shattered, the other ones unfortunately can come crashing down as well.

What are we left to do when everything goes wrong? How can we keep getting back on our feet again?

First of all, take a breath. I know it feels like this difficult phase of life will never end and you no longer see any light or hope in your future. I know it hurts so much sometimes and it feels like nobody understands.

If you're open to try a few simple things I will share in this post, they could potentially help you feel a little better--even if just for a moment. No your problems won't magically be fixed, but a little help getting out of a rut is something we all need sometimes.

First, understand that self-care is not a selfish thing. Too often we think by taking the time we need to rejuvenate ourselves, we are somehow hurting our loved ones or failing them. Not true. If anything, going too long without prioritizing self-care hurts them much more in the long run. 

Nobody is beyond the need for self-care. Even the kindest and most-enduring person will snap or burnout eventually. So don't snap or burnout. Take time for the self-care you need. Maybe your schedule really is so busy that it doesn't allow any time for self-care. Guess what, you are allowed to say no to things. When you say no to something, you are saying yes to something else. In sum, self-care is not selfish. Find what helps you relax and recoup and start doing it! It is a must!

Now onto that list of basic little things you can do to boost your spirits in those low times...

1. Get some rest and something to eat. 

Replenish that energy folks! Too often, people get so caught up in their emotion they totally forget their basic needs. Everything is going to be more intense and horrible feeling when you haven't eaten or slept in too long. Take a break from your misery parade and have a snack and/or a good nights sleep. (Refer to this link for help: https://thementalaidstation.blogspot.com/2018/03/sleep-vs-anxiety.html)

2. Take a shower and get ready for the day

I know, this one sounds too simple to be helpful. You're probably thinking, 'A shower and an outfit won't help my major problems!' Well that's true, but it really can help your mood. This basic task is a major feat for someone with depression. Once it is completed though, there is an instant mood boost. Any completed task or sense of accomplishment (even basic things) give your brain a little dopamine boost. We are wired to accomplish things. This is why when we don't, we tend to feel pretty crappy about ourselves. The cycle continues when we stop trying to do things because we feel so bad about ourselves (more about this cycle in this post http://thementalaidstation.blogspot.com/2018/04/the-balancing-act-of-control.html)

3. Connect with someone

Social connection is a human need, and no matter how hard we try to stifle it and replace it with internet connection, we still all need social connection regularly. Yes there are introverts and extroverts, but it's safe to say everyone stays more sane and stable when they feel like they mean something to other people and vise-versa.

Maybe you're not the type to open up about your feelings to people. Maybe you feel like you would burden them. Think about how freeing it can feel though? Yes it feels risky and vulnerable, but it will help you feel understood and connected to someone. Just try it (with someone you have built trust with, not a random person you just barely met preferably). What could really go wrong?

4. Find someone to serve

I know this sounds preachy, but here goes. Service really is an amazing thing and helps you feel more meaning in life. There are times in life to be on the giving end and on the receiving end, or maybe even both. Serving someone will get you out of your own head and problems for a minute and let you feel how good it feels to make a difference. As corny as it sounds, it's true. 

It also makes you aware of the difficult problems other people are going through. While it is not good to compare problems with others because you never really know what difficulties someone is facing, it can make you aware of things you should be grateful for. 

It is so easy in difficult times to get stuck in the muck and think that our lives are all bad and no good. When I was going through post-partum depression and feeling like everything was bleh and life would never be happy again, I started reading Elizabeth Smart's book about her experience being kidnapped and found again. I came to realize all the major things I take for granted, especially compared to the severe emotional, sexual, and physical abuse she went through on a daily basis. Suddenly, waking up many times a night for months with a fussy baby didn't seem so bad at all.

5. Channel your creativity

Find a creative outlet of some sort. Crafts, music, cooking, sewing, crocheting, gardening, painting, wood-working, graphic designing, etc. Express yourself. Add more beauty to the world. You don't have to be amazing at whatever you do, just do it. This one also helps with the sense of accomplishment and feeling more meaning in life.

6. Get moving!

Exercise can be an extremely helpful way to lift your mood. There is always the added perk of having it make you sleep better too. It is okay to start small, a 10-minute workout is better than no workout. Sometimes 10 minutes is all your depression can handle that day. That's okay. Get up and get moving. The trick is to do it regularly because fitness is something you lose quickly (about 2 weeks according to my past track coaches). If you do aerobic exercise once a week, you won't feel much improvement because you will essentially be starting back where you left off before your days off. 

You may be wondering how on earth you can motivate yourself to workout when you are depressed and lack of motivation happens to be a hallmark feature of depression. That is a good point, however, that is where some helpful strategies come in (because you need more than just thinking about exercising). One that works for me is to sign up for a race, that way I know I have something to work toward and keep me motivated. Another way is finding a friend to workout with and scheduling specific workout times so you are less likely to back out.

7. Let the sunshine in

I am a believer that nature can be incredibly healing. Find some time each day to be outdoors, even if it is simply sitting outside. When indoors, open the blinds. Our brains respond to natural light. SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder, is something many people face partly due to less sunshine in their daily lives. I realize there are certain parts of Alaska where having sun during the day is very limited, but do what you can.
 

Hope this post helps someone! Remember if you have severe depression, I would suggest you schedule a formal appointment with a professional. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please reach out either by call or text (741-741). You have something to live for even if it doesn't feel like it right this moment.

The Balancing Act of Control

We all crave the feeling of being in control and knowing how we can affect and therefore predict our lives. The reality is, however, that there are many things beyond our control.

We need to strike a balance between accepting the things we can't control and finding ways to enhance our perception of control in our lives.

When we believe we are in control, we are more likely to make deliberate changes to bring us closer to what we would like to happen. It even reduces our anxiety to know we are doing what we can and have a plan rather than sitting back and letting life happen.

When the 'letting life happen' attitude is taken to the extreme, learned helplessness can occur. Martin Seligman discovered this behavioral phenomena in his classic (and sad if you're an animal lover) experiment in the 1960's and 70's involving shocking dogs. Dogs in one group were shocked no matter what they did while dogs in another group were shocked until they jumped the barrier to stop being shocked. When all the dogs were put in a situation where they could escape from the shocking, the dogs who could not escape the shocks before did not make any attempts to escape even though it would have been easy this time. They had already learned that bad things happened no matter what they did, so why bother trying to escape it?

You can see how this can translate into people's behavior in everyday life. If someone has been unemployed for a while and continually gets rejected from jobs, after a while they may get down on themselves and stop trying. Another example is a person in an abusive relationship who feels their is no hope out of the situation. The most relatable example is health problems. Managing chronic illnesses is incredibly stressful and sometimes flare-ups seem to come out of nowhere. There are so many factors involved that can affect the course of the disease, and sometimes it will just be crappy no matter what. The trick is to keep trying and doing what you can so you don't fall into the depths of depression.

It can help to keep a log of your symptoms and the things you are trying to do. That way, you can look back and see if there was an impact. I strongly believe that our thought patterns can influence our bodies, and you probably already know the correlation between stress and a whole host of illnesses. In my own experience, I saw the difference between a hopeless attitude and a determined attitude in my own healing when I was recovering from a stress fracture in college. While it wasn't a serious health challenge or anything, it was a big deal for me because it made it so I couldn't practice and compete with the track team. I also knew my scholarship was on the line if I didn't recover and prove myself again quickly.

Most stress fractures should only takes about 6 weeks to heal, and mine was already past that point and didn't seem anywhere close to being healed. I started feelings hopeless and sorry for myself. I was angry I couldn't do what I loved, and I wondered if I would ever get back to where I was before. One day I made a conscious choice to change my mindset and try to take control of the situation as best I could. I wrote down a goal date for when I would like to be better, and I would  even imagine myself running again by that time. More importantly, I wrote down specific things I can do every day to enhance healing. Such as ice baths, massage, stretching, physical therapy exercises, eating healthy, etc. This way I could look at my tasks and my goal every day to remind me I could do something to help enhance healing, rather than sadly waiting for this time to be over.

That was a turning point for me and it was astonishing how quickly my body started healing--as opposed to the stunted healing I experienced before due to my own negative attitude. I understand that not every situation is this simple and resolves as easily as a little stress fracture, but the principle is still true. Do what you can, keep you sights set on what you would like (within reality), and you can feel more in control in your own life. However, I need a whole other blog post to discuss learning to accept the things beyond your control!

Have you ever had a situation that seemed hopeless but then you changed your perspective somehow?

How do you feel about control in your own life?

Sleep vs. Anxiety

Train your brain to fall asleep--even if you struggle with anxiety!

We've all been there; tossing and turning for hours, unable to escape into sleep due to stressful thoughts unceasingly filling our minds. We watch the time go by and wonder how we will meet the demands of the next day, making us even more stressed than we already were. It's no secret that having anxiety is related to sleep problems. Lack of sleep also happens to be one of the things that can make anxiety worse. You see how this becomes a vicious cycle (and if you're reading this, you have probably experienced it). 

So how does one get out of it? One popular method is unfortunately sleeping pills, but they are habit forming and don't even work for people sometimes. I am about to share with you some tried and true sleep tips that can truly help. However, these tips are not an instant fix. It takes consistent work, so don't be discouraged if you try something once and your sleep issues aren't magically fixed.

As a child, I went through a stage where I had vivid nightmares almost every night and began to dread bed time. I also had a hard time 'shutting my mind down,' and therefore, I ended up with a racing mind that would take forever to drift into sleep. Adding to these sleep issues, I never really had a consistent bedtime routine or even an expected bed time growing up.

Spoiler alert: I was able to make habits and learn skills to put myself to sleep. Now I can basically fall asleep anywhere and any time! I can fall asleep in a noisy airport sitting upright on a hard chair, I can fall asleep on a bus full of people, I can fall asleep with an energetic toddler jumping all over me, and the list goes on. Occasionally, if something is stressing me out a lot, I will still have a hard time, but it doesn't happen nearly as much as it used to. Even when those times come up, I now have the tools to handle it.

With the following steps, I will share what helped me learn how to fall asleep despite anxiety as well as add on tips I have learned as a therapist.

1. Create a relaxing bedtime routine that works for you

One thing I did specifically to help with my nightmares was to read something comforting before bed. This put me in the habit of reading before bed every night, and I still do it now. I want to emphasize that any reading will not work, it needs to be something comfortable or relaxing. So avoid the news, scary novels, or anything stressful or fear-provoking.

Start your bedtime routine early! This isn't an easy habit to get into, I'm not going to lie. I suggest you plan what you want your routine to be, make an accurate estimation as to how long it will take, and then start a minimum of one hour before you would like to be asleep. If you currently take a very long time to sleep, try starting your routine earlier than an hour before your desired sleep time.

Example:

Goal sleep time 10:30
Routine:
9:15 change into comfortable pajamas, brush and floss teeth, wash face, etc.
9:30 light stretching and relaxing
9:45 reading (not in bed though, keep bed for sleep or sex only)
10:15 lights off and in bed starting to fall asleep

Bonus points for low lighting and avoiding screens during this time because lights communicate to your brain that it's time to be awake.

Although life and work schedules aren't always predictable, try your best to be to bed about the same time each night. We really are creatures of habit, and you will have much better luck training your brain to fall asleep if you time things right. That being said, timing is tricky because if you try to go to sleep before you are tired, it will be hard to fall asleep. On the other hand, if you try too late you will have had your 'second-wind,' and your body will be trying keep itself awake. Ever noticed that you will start to get hungry if you stay up longer than usual? That is your body trying to get energy and saying, 'If you won't let me sleep, then feed me more! I need energy somehow!'

2. Decide on a mental script and practice falling asleep to it.

A mental script can be specific to you but the goal is to keep your mind focused on relaxing and eventually falling asleep. A popular one is paying attention to each section of your body from bottom to top or top to bottom, and focusing on relaxing that part. You can also imagine it being warm and heavy, 'my feet feel warm and heavy, my ankles feel warm and heavy, etc.' Focus on trying to feel that sensation, but also don't try too hard and get frustrated with yourself. Progressive relaxation is also a great technique that involves tensing a body part, and then exhaling while releasing the tension. That way, you can feel the drastic difference between tension and relaxation. There are many other relaxation exercises you can get ideas from. Try them out and discover which ones work best for you. (Headspace is a great meditation app I have used and recommend, Dr. Michael Olpin also has a great youtube channel with lots of relaxation exercise options like this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdkjP2n9G4E)

There are other options for mental scripts as well. Some people will play a favorite movie in their head, scene by scene. I had an apartment complex manager that would go through the names of each tenant to put herself to sleep (although I don't know how that one worked because to me that might be stressful and too job-related). If you have a big extended family, you could start from the oldest and name them off in order while imagining yourself telling them good night. You could even just practice deep breathing while envisioning colors and numbers. The point is you want your mind focused on something structured and simple to keep yourself from getting off track into anxious thoughts.

What if the anxious thoughts prevent you from sticking to your mental script? I get this question a lot! Of course it will be hard to get your thoughts to stick to something rather than the anxiety, but that doesn't mean you can't try. Gently bring yourself back where you left off when your mind wanders. Don't expect perfection. If you do, you will end up getting too frustrated with yourself to fall asleep. Keep trying. Tell yourself that you will be asleep before you finish your mental script and really try to believe it. This is where some placebo affect comes in, you have to convince yourself that you can put yourself to sleep. Once you can convince your body that, you will be asleep before you know it. If the anxious thoughts persist despite your efforts, refer to the next step.

3. Get your stressful thoughts out on paper

Sometimes thoughts are stubborn and won't get out of your mind no matter how hard you try to fall asleep. This is when you get out of bed and write your thoughts out. Sometimes they're not even stressful thoughts, just a lot of ideas that seem so important at the time you can't get them off your mind. Rather than going over them again and again in your mind and preventing yourself from sleeping, take the time to get them out on paper. That way you don't have to worry about remembering them, you can deal with those thoughts the next day and put them away for the night.

If you want to take your thought recording to the next level, take a page out of the CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) book and make a thought log. This is especially helpful when strong emotions are keeping you from sleeping. I will probably do a more detailed CBT post later, but a quick summary is to help yourself understand how events affect your thoughts which then affect your feelings. In the first column, write down the event that took place. Next, write down the automatic thought. So what is the knee-jerk reaction to this event? The automatic thought isn't necessarily something you specifically remember thinking, but it is a conclusion your mind made without you consciously choosing that. For example, 'I am a loser because my boss pointed out a mistake I made.' Many times, these automatic thoughts are all-or-nothing thinking and full of assumptions. The next column is to identify the emotion you felt, so in the above mentioned example one might write down they felt worthless or rejected. The last column is a balanced thought which may take some therapy to get the hang of, but it is basically putting that automatic thought on trial and making it more rational. With practice and actually writing it down, you can catch yourself in thinking errors and understand your emotions more fully, thereby helping you handle them better.

4. Get up and do something productive. 

This is a step for if all else fails, or for people in manic or hypomanic states. You will get tired eventually (except for the above mentioned people experiencing mania). With sleeping, the harder you try to do it, the less likely it is to happen. It is something you have to let happen on its own. So once you are past the point of trying, you may as well get up and get something done while you're not sleeping. Or start reading a boring book and you will suddenly realize how tired you really are. Often times, the stressful thoughts are related to things you feel you need to get done. One great stress-relieving technique for those times is to get those things done! Once you have some things off your to-do list, your mind may be at ease and ready to rest.

Happy sleeping everyone!

Share your tips or tricks for sleeping in the comments.

Do you have any weird places you have been able to fall asleep?

What are some of your favorite relaxation exercises?