The powerful messages about trauma in movies

Trauma can be hard to talk about, but it is a common theme in movies that we spend time and money to watch. In this post, I will highlight movies I think do a great job of portraying trauma and teaching people about it. This is by no means an all-inclusive list though, just a few that came to mind, so feel free to comment and add some of your favorite movies that involve trauma.

Movies are meant to entertain us and help us escape from everyday worries. However, when they are made well, they can also elicit powerful emotions. I have noticed that since entering the mental health field, I view things differently and think about them deeper than I did before. For example, when I hear a song on the radio that blatantly objectifies and/or claims ownership of someone's body, I reflect on the many clients I have had who have been sexually abused and how painful that message might be for them to hear.

Or sometimes it is just little critiques about how things would be in the real world. For example, a complaint I have about 'Frozen' is that the sisters would need a lot more time and family therapy to work through their dysfunctional relationship than just one powerful moment of true sisterly love. So many years of hurt healed in one moment--only in Disney. Don't we all wish that were true in real life!

Side note, trauma is a word that is thrown around a lot, but what does it really mean? There are obvious traumatic experiences such as those that occur in war or abuse of any kind, but the underlying requirement for something to be traumatic is for it to be beyond a person's power to deal with. A situation where a person feels powerless and therefore extremely unsafe and afraid.

Anyway, I will move on to the movies I believe handle trauma themes well:

1) Rememory (2017)

"When you watch this, you'll realize who I am--who I really am." (Sam)
"[...] Whoever you really are, thank you." (Freddie)

This is the movie I watched last night that actually inspired this blog post. It was fascinating! I am so glad I stumbled upon it as I was scrolling through Amazon Prime movies to stream as I folded laundry. I don't want to spoil anything though because I highly recommend you watch this movie. The premise is a brilliant psychologist who creates a machine that can extract memories accurately and enable you to re-experience them in an effort to work through painful memories and trauma. Turns out, there are some serious problems with the machine such as it causing hallucinations, dwelling on painful memories too much, bringing back repressed things that the subjects wish were still repressed, etc. There is some mystery along the way and some holes in the main characters' trauma you don't learn the full story about until the end. 

The message this movie teaches about how our memories shape us is amazing. We need to embrace the good and bad memories in our lives, because both extremes have made us who we are. There is no delete button, but we can work through things. I love the symbolic ways the characters deal with trauma in the end. It is beautiful. It teaches us that we are so much more than the trauma we have been through, the mistakes we have made, or the unfulfilled dreams we have. We can move forward. Hope and love are the answers.

Our memories make up so much of who we are and how we experience things. It is amazing how subjective they can be though. I'm sure you can think of a family member that remembers things completely different than you do even though you had similar experiences. It is almost like people have their own reality sometimes. This is why many forms of therapy seek to teach people to be more neutral or rational in their thoughts and perceptions, and thereby gradually changing their emotions and behaviors.

2) The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012)

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

This movie (book originally) deals with a socially awkward teenager who discovers a lot about himself and has some significant trauma from his past (an aunt who abused him). I was impressed with how they portrayed mental health issues and dealing with trauma in an accurate way, and how difficult it can be to find yourself and love yourself when you are dealing with the effects of trauma.

3) Moana (2016)

"They have stolen the heart that's inside you, but this does not define you. This is not who you are. You know who you are." 

This one isn't as obvious or outright as the others, but still can teach a powerful lesson about effects of trauma. Te Fiti is full of anger and fire because her heart has been stolen (which can be likened to any traumatic experience). When Moana validates and shows she understands Te Fiti, she unlocks the secret to dissolving the beastly effects trauma can have. If you have a loved one who deals with trauma, it is very possible they go into 'fight or flight mode' extremely easily and say things they don't mean. It is helpful to have an understanding that their lashing out is coming from a place of their own hurt. This is not to say their trauma excuses them from being responsible for their actions though, so make sure to keep healthy boundaries and be assertive when you are being treated poorly--whatever the underlying reason.

Movies are a great way to open up more discussion on certain topics. Comment with what movies you would add to the list! 

When Life Throws you Down...Repeatedly

When Life Throws you Down...Repeatedly

Do you ever feel like one thing after another goes wrong in life, and when you get back up, you get thrown down by something else? Why does it seem like when one thing goes bad, everything else has to crumble too? 

The different domains in our life (such as the ones pictured above--work, family, relationships, and social life. As well as other ones such as how we are feeling physically, emotionally, and spiritually) often bleed into each other and when one domain gets shattered, the other ones unfortunately can come crashing down as well.

What are we left to do when everything goes wrong? How can we keep getting back on our feet again?

First of all, take a breath. I know it feels like this difficult phase of life will never end and you no longer see any light or hope in your future. I know it hurts so much sometimes and it feels like nobody understands.

If you're open to try a few simple things I will share in this post, they could potentially help you feel a little better--even if just for a moment. No your problems won't magically be fixed, but a little help getting out of a rut is something we all need sometimes.

First, understand that self-care is not a selfish thing. Too often we think by taking the time we need to rejuvenate ourselves, we are somehow hurting our loved ones or failing them. Not true. If anything, going too long without prioritizing self-care hurts them much more in the long run. 

Nobody is beyond the need for self-care. Even the kindest and most-enduring person will snap or burnout eventually. So don't snap or burnout. Take time for the self-care you need. Maybe your schedule really is so busy that it doesn't allow any time for self-care. Guess what, you are allowed to say no to things. When you say no to something, you are saying yes to something else. In sum, self-care is not selfish. Find what helps you relax and recoup and start doing it! It is a must!

Now onto that list of basic little things you can do to boost your spirits in those low times...

1. Get some rest and something to eat. 

Replenish that energy folks! Too often, people get so caught up in their emotion they totally forget their basic needs. Everything is going to be more intense and horrible feeling when you haven't eaten or slept in too long. Take a break from your misery parade and have a snack and/or a good nights sleep. (Refer to this link for help: https://thementalaidstation.blogspot.com/2018/03/sleep-vs-anxiety.html)

2. Take a shower and get ready for the day

I know, this one sounds too simple to be helpful. You're probably thinking, 'A shower and an outfit won't help my major problems!' Well that's true, but it really can help your mood. This basic task is a major feat for someone with depression. Once it is completed though, there is an instant mood boost. Any completed task or sense of accomplishment (even basic things) give your brain a little dopamine boost. We are wired to accomplish things. This is why when we don't, we tend to feel pretty crappy about ourselves. The cycle continues when we stop trying to do things because we feel so bad about ourselves (more about this cycle in this post http://thementalaidstation.blogspot.com/2018/04/the-balancing-act-of-control.html)

3. Connect with someone

Social connection is a human need, and no matter how hard we try to stifle it and replace it with internet connection, we still all need social connection regularly. Yes there are introverts and extroverts, but it's safe to say everyone stays more sane and stable when they feel like they mean something to other people and vise-versa.

Maybe you're not the type to open up about your feelings to people. Maybe you feel like you would burden them. Think about how freeing it can feel though? Yes it feels risky and vulnerable, but it will help you feel understood and connected to someone. Just try it (with someone you have built trust with, not a random person you just barely met preferably). What could really go wrong?

4. Find someone to serve

I know this sounds preachy, but here goes. Service really is an amazing thing and helps you feel more meaning in life. There are times in life to be on the giving end and on the receiving end, or maybe even both. Serving someone will get you out of your own head and problems for a minute and let you feel how good it feels to make a difference. As corny as it sounds, it's true. 

It also makes you aware of the difficult problems other people are going through. While it is not good to compare problems with others because you never really know what difficulties someone is facing, it can make you aware of things you should be grateful for. 

It is so easy in difficult times to get stuck in the muck and think that our lives are all bad and no good. When I was going through post-partum depression and feeling like everything was bleh and life would never be happy again, I started reading Elizabeth Smart's book about her experience being kidnapped and found again. I came to realize all the major things I take for granted, especially compared to the severe emotional, sexual, and physical abuse she went through on a daily basis. Suddenly, waking up many times a night for months with a fussy baby didn't seem so bad at all.

5. Channel your creativity

Find a creative outlet of some sort. Crafts, music, cooking, sewing, crocheting, gardening, painting, wood-working, graphic designing, etc. Express yourself. Add more beauty to the world. You don't have to be amazing at whatever you do, just do it. This one also helps with the sense of accomplishment and feeling more meaning in life.

6. Get moving!

Exercise can be an extremely helpful way to lift your mood. There is always the added perk of having it make you sleep better too. It is okay to start small, a 10-minute workout is better than no workout. Sometimes 10 minutes is all your depression can handle that day. That's okay. Get up and get moving. The trick is to do it regularly because fitness is something you lose quickly (about 2 weeks according to my past track coaches). If you do aerobic exercise once a week, you won't feel much improvement because you will essentially be starting back where you left off before your days off. 

You may be wondering how on earth you can motivate yourself to workout when you are depressed and lack of motivation happens to be a hallmark feature of depression. That is a good point, however, that is where some helpful strategies come in (because you need more than just thinking about exercising). One that works for me is to sign up for a race, that way I know I have something to work toward and keep me motivated. Another way is finding a friend to workout with and scheduling specific workout times so you are less likely to back out.

7. Let the sunshine in

I am a believer that nature can be incredibly healing. Find some time each day to be outdoors, even if it is simply sitting outside. When indoors, open the blinds. Our brains respond to natural light. SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder, is something many people face partly due to less sunshine in their daily lives. I realize there are certain parts of Alaska where having sun during the day is very limited, but do what you can.
 

Hope this post helps someone! Remember if you have severe depression, I would suggest you schedule a formal appointment with a professional. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please reach out either by call or text (741-741). You have something to live for even if it doesn't feel like it right this moment.

The Balancing Act of Control

We all crave the feeling of being in control and knowing how we can affect and therefore predict our lives. The reality is, however, that there are many things beyond our control.

We need to strike a balance between accepting the things we can't control and finding ways to enhance our perception of control in our lives.

When we believe we are in control, we are more likely to make deliberate changes to bring us closer to what we would like to happen. It even reduces our anxiety to know we are doing what we can and have a plan rather than sitting back and letting life happen.

When the 'letting life happen' attitude is taken to the extreme, learned helplessness can occur. Martin Seligman discovered this behavioral phenomena in his classic (and sad if you're an animal lover) experiment in the 1960's and 70's involving shocking dogs. Dogs in one group were shocked no matter what they did while dogs in another group were shocked until they jumped the barrier to stop being shocked. When all the dogs were put in a situation where they could escape from the shocking, the dogs who could not escape the shocks before did not make any attempts to escape even though it would have been easy this time. They had already learned that bad things happened no matter what they did, so why bother trying to escape it?

You can see how this can translate into people's behavior in everyday life. If someone has been unemployed for a while and continually gets rejected from jobs, after a while they may get down on themselves and stop trying. Another example is a person in an abusive relationship who feels their is no hope out of the situation. The most relatable example is health problems. Managing chronic illnesses is incredibly stressful and sometimes flare-ups seem to come out of nowhere. There are so many factors involved that can affect the course of the disease, and sometimes it will just be crappy no matter what. The trick is to keep trying and doing what you can so you don't fall into the depths of depression.

It can help to keep a log of your symptoms and the things you are trying to do. That way, you can look back and see if there was an impact. I strongly believe that our thought patterns can influence our bodies, and you probably already know the correlation between stress and a whole host of illnesses. In my own experience, I saw the difference between a hopeless attitude and a determined attitude in my own healing when I was recovering from a stress fracture in college. While it wasn't a serious health challenge or anything, it was a big deal for me because it made it so I couldn't practice and compete with the track team. I also knew my scholarship was on the line if I didn't recover and prove myself again quickly.

Most stress fractures should only takes about 6 weeks to heal, and mine was already past that point and didn't seem anywhere close to being healed. I started feelings hopeless and sorry for myself. I was angry I couldn't do what I loved, and I wondered if I would ever get back to where I was before. One day I made a conscious choice to change my mindset and try to take control of the situation as best I could. I wrote down a goal date for when I would like to be better, and I would  even imagine myself running again by that time. More importantly, I wrote down specific things I can do every day to enhance healing. Such as ice baths, massage, stretching, physical therapy exercises, eating healthy, etc. This way I could look at my tasks and my goal every day to remind me I could do something to help enhance healing, rather than sadly waiting for this time to be over.

That was a turning point for me and it was astonishing how quickly my body started healing--as opposed to the stunted healing I experienced before due to my own negative attitude. I understand that not every situation is this simple and resolves as easily as a little stress fracture, but the principle is still true. Do what you can, keep you sights set on what you would like (within reality), and you can feel more in control in your own life. However, I need a whole other blog post to discuss learning to accept the things beyond your control!

Have you ever had a situation that seemed hopeless but then you changed your perspective somehow?

How do you feel about control in your own life?

Sleep vs. Anxiety

Train your brain to fall asleep--even if you struggle with anxiety!

We've all been there; tossing and turning for hours, unable to escape into sleep due to stressful thoughts unceasingly filling our minds. We watch the time go by and wonder how we will meet the demands of the next day, making us even more stressed than we already were. It's no secret that having anxiety is related to sleep problems. Lack of sleep also happens to be one of the things that can make anxiety worse. You see how this becomes a vicious cycle (and if you're reading this, you have probably experienced it). 

So how does one get out of it? One popular method is unfortunately sleeping pills, but they are habit forming and don't even work for people sometimes. I am about to share with you some tried and true sleep tips that can truly help. However, these tips are not an instant fix. It takes consistent work, so don't be discouraged if you try something once and your sleep issues aren't magically fixed.

As a child, I went through a stage where I had vivid nightmares almost every night and began to dread bed time. I also had a hard time 'shutting my mind down,' and therefore, I ended up with a racing mind that would take forever to drift into sleep. Adding to these sleep issues, I never really had a consistent bedtime routine or even an expected bed time growing up.

Spoiler alert: I was able to make habits and learn skills to put myself to sleep. Now I can basically fall asleep anywhere and any time! I can fall asleep in a noisy airport sitting upright on a hard chair, I can fall asleep on a bus full of people, I can fall asleep with an energetic toddler jumping all over me, and the list goes on. Occasionally, if something is stressing me out a lot, I will still have a hard time, but it doesn't happen nearly as much as it used to. Even when those times come up, I now have the tools to handle it.

With the following steps, I will share what helped me learn how to fall asleep despite anxiety as well as add on tips I have learned as a therapist.

1. Create a relaxing bedtime routine that works for you

One thing I did specifically to help with my nightmares was to read something comforting before bed. This put me in the habit of reading before bed every night, and I still do it now. I want to emphasize that any reading will not work, it needs to be something comfortable or relaxing. So avoid the news, scary novels, or anything stressful or fear-provoking.

Start your bedtime routine early! This isn't an easy habit to get into, I'm not going to lie. I suggest you plan what you want your routine to be, make an accurate estimation as to how long it will take, and then start a minimum of one hour before you would like to be asleep. If you currently take a very long time to sleep, try starting your routine earlier than an hour before your desired sleep time.

Example:

Goal sleep time 10:30
Routine:
9:15 change into comfortable pajamas, brush and floss teeth, wash face, etc.
9:30 light stretching and relaxing
9:45 reading (not in bed though, keep bed for sleep or sex only)
10:15 lights off and in bed starting to fall asleep

Bonus points for low lighting and avoiding screens during this time because lights communicate to your brain that it's time to be awake.

Although life and work schedules aren't always predictable, try your best to be to bed about the same time each night. We really are creatures of habit, and you will have much better luck training your brain to fall asleep if you time things right. That being said, timing is tricky because if you try to go to sleep before you are tired, it will be hard to fall asleep. On the other hand, if you try too late you will have had your 'second-wind,' and your body will be trying keep itself awake. Ever noticed that you will start to get hungry if you stay up longer than usual? That is your body trying to get energy and saying, 'If you won't let me sleep, then feed me more! I need energy somehow!'

2. Decide on a mental script and practice falling asleep to it.

A mental script can be specific to you but the goal is to keep your mind focused on relaxing and eventually falling asleep. A popular one is paying attention to each section of your body from bottom to top or top to bottom, and focusing on relaxing that part. You can also imagine it being warm and heavy, 'my feet feel warm and heavy, my ankles feel warm and heavy, etc.' Focus on trying to feel that sensation, but also don't try too hard and get frustrated with yourself. Progressive relaxation is also a great technique that involves tensing a body part, and then exhaling while releasing the tension. That way, you can feel the drastic difference between tension and relaxation. There are many other relaxation exercises you can get ideas from. Try them out and discover which ones work best for you. (Headspace is a great meditation app I have used and recommend, Dr. Michael Olpin also has a great youtube channel with lots of relaxation exercise options like this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdkjP2n9G4E)

There are other options for mental scripts as well. Some people will play a favorite movie in their head, scene by scene. I had an apartment complex manager that would go through the names of each tenant to put herself to sleep (although I don't know how that one worked because to me that might be stressful and too job-related). If you have a big extended family, you could start from the oldest and name them off in order while imagining yourself telling them good night. You could even just practice deep breathing while envisioning colors and numbers. The point is you want your mind focused on something structured and simple to keep yourself from getting off track into anxious thoughts.

What if the anxious thoughts prevent you from sticking to your mental script? I get this question a lot! Of course it will be hard to get your thoughts to stick to something rather than the anxiety, but that doesn't mean you can't try. Gently bring yourself back where you left off when your mind wanders. Don't expect perfection. If you do, you will end up getting too frustrated with yourself to fall asleep. Keep trying. Tell yourself that you will be asleep before you finish your mental script and really try to believe it. This is where some placebo affect comes in, you have to convince yourself that you can put yourself to sleep. Once you can convince your body that, you will be asleep before you know it. If the anxious thoughts persist despite your efforts, refer to the next step.

3. Get your stressful thoughts out on paper

Sometimes thoughts are stubborn and won't get out of your mind no matter how hard you try to fall asleep. This is when you get out of bed and write your thoughts out. Sometimes they're not even stressful thoughts, just a lot of ideas that seem so important at the time you can't get them off your mind. Rather than going over them again and again in your mind and preventing yourself from sleeping, take the time to get them out on paper. That way you don't have to worry about remembering them, you can deal with those thoughts the next day and put them away for the night.

If you want to take your thought recording to the next level, take a page out of the CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) book and make a thought log. This is especially helpful when strong emotions are keeping you from sleeping. I will probably do a more detailed CBT post later, but a quick summary is to help yourself understand how events affect your thoughts which then affect your feelings. In the first column, write down the event that took place. Next, write down the automatic thought. So what is the knee-jerk reaction to this event? The automatic thought isn't necessarily something you specifically remember thinking, but it is a conclusion your mind made without you consciously choosing that. For example, 'I am a loser because my boss pointed out a mistake I made.' Many times, these automatic thoughts are all-or-nothing thinking and full of assumptions. The next column is to identify the emotion you felt, so in the above mentioned example one might write down they felt worthless or rejected. The last column is a balanced thought which may take some therapy to get the hang of, but it is basically putting that automatic thought on trial and making it more rational. With practice and actually writing it down, you can catch yourself in thinking errors and understand your emotions more fully, thereby helping you handle them better.

4. Get up and do something productive. 

This is a step for if all else fails, or for people in manic or hypomanic states. You will get tired eventually (except for the above mentioned people experiencing mania). With sleeping, the harder you try to do it, the less likely it is to happen. It is something you have to let happen on its own. So once you are past the point of trying, you may as well get up and get something done while you're not sleeping. Or start reading a boring book and you will suddenly realize how tired you really are. Often times, the stressful thoughts are related to things you feel you need to get done. One great stress-relieving technique for those times is to get those things done! Once you have some things off your to-do list, your mind may be at ease and ready to rest.

Happy sleeping everyone!

Share your tips or tricks for sleeping in the comments.

Do you have any weird places you have been able to fall asleep?

What are some of your favorite relaxation exercises?

When Parental Love is Elusive

I'm just going to come right out and say it: not all parents love their children unconditionally. Maybe they think they do, but the messages they send their children tend to be more disapproving than loving.

In fact, if both your parents love you unconditionally count yourself lucky because you are in the minority. When one parent does and the other parent doesn't, you can still get by because the love from the one helps you develop a healthy sense of self and cope with the lack of love from the other parent. The wounds are still hard to heal though. The worst case scenario is when neither parent loves their child unconditionally. This results in a child who feels constantly rejected and never good enough.

When a child feels rejected, the tendency is to blame themselves for not being good enough to love because they can't fathom (at that age) that parents are flawed. Also, egocentric thinking is typical for young children. Rather than thinking, 'Mommy is unstable and doesn't know how to love me right now,' they think, 'Mommy doesn't love me because I am not good enough or worthy of love.'

If you have ever been told you basically ruined your parent's life by being born, then you know the feeling I am talking about. How is a child supposed to interpret a hurtful comment like that? An adult knows that is an inappropriate message to say to a son or daughter, but a child or teen (or even a vulnerable adult) may take it personally.

If you feel like you rarely measure up to parental/caregiver expectations no matter how hard you try, here are some steps to overcome the feelings of shame and inferiority that come from dysfunctional parenting:

1) Develop Yourself

Rather than chasing talents or successes you think your parents will be proud of, chase your own dreams in life. One possible response to not measuring up to parental expectations would be to stop trying and be apathetic. The problem with that is it leads to low self-esteem and depressed feelings. In other words, it just brings you down even more. By all means, succeed in life, but do it for yourself rather than to please others. One of the best ways to build self-esteem is to work hard at things and feel a sense of accomplishment.

2) Surround Yourself with More Uplifting People 

The impact of toxic people in your life can be profoundly negative. Sometimes you don't even realize how much people are affecting you. A good test for if someone is toxic or uplifting is to pay attention to your emotions right after you talk to them. Do you feel good about yourself and ready to face the day? Or do you feel overwhelmed or guilty for doing nothing wrong? Toxic people have a way of manipulating that can convince you of things that aren't true.

We may not always be able to choose the people in our lives (whether work, family, neighbors, etc.), but we can choose to what extent we let them in our lives. Maintain boundaries according to your comfort level, and be mindful to people who seem to have a negative influence on you.

Additionally, seek out and invest in relationships with supportive people. These are the types of people who know your strengths and can remind you of them when you're down. They have great listening ears and wise advice (when requested). Now you may be thinking, 'Where do I find a friend like that?' Here is a tip, start by being a friend like that, and there is a good chance it will be reciprocated.

3) Connect to a Higher Power

One major thing that has helped me in this process is remembering who I am spiritually. No matter what you believe in, you probably have a sense that there is more to life than just yourself. You have also probably noticed that you feel happier and more meaning in life when you connect with something bigger than yourself.

Remembering your place and potential in the world is applicable whether you believe in God, the universe, karma, or even if you're not quite sure what to believe. Maybe take some time to ponder existential questions. Why are you in the world? Why at this time? What is your purpose? Etc.

4) Recognize that Parents are Mortal

Here's where some compassion comes in. This post isn't meant to bash parents; it is meant to help their now grown-up children make sense of the shame from parental interactions. Parenting is hard! There are no required classes or certification tests to bring children into the world, they come to people who are ready or not (and nobody is ever really ready).

So yes, parents make mistakes, and yes, those mistakes can affect their children for life. However, it doesn't mean we can't be understanding and try to put ourselves in our parents' place. The sleep deprivation of parenthood alone can drive anyone crazy! My mom had 4 kids by age 26, and now that I am 26, I can only imagine how hard that would have been.

Give your parents the benefit of the doubt and recognize they were probably trying their best to raise you. Maybe you still feel like your parents are purposely malicious. Well, remember it is likely they learned how to parent from their parents. If your mom is the master of guilt trips, there's a good chance she's been on extensive guilt trips from her mom through the years.

This perspective can relieve some hard feelings towards parents and can be a great way to re-frame things. It doesn't excuse the behavior (especially in cases of abuse and neglect), but it can help you sort out your feelings about it and enhance compassion rather than bitterness.

Hopefully this post helps! What are some ways you have overcome your feelings of shame from not measuring up to parental expectations? Where are you on your healing journey? Comment and share!

5 Steps to Marital Bliss (Part 2)

Step 4: Maintain Healthy Boundaries

We hear a lot of talk about boundaries lately, but what do they really mean? Furthermore, what do they mean in the marital context? Boundaries are basically the lines we draw to keep from hurting ourselves. Our boundaries are our safe space, and as such, they are important. When we extend beyond them, we put ourselves at risk.

Even if we convince ourselves it is okay to dangle our foot outside our boundary every now and then, we may find ourselves suddenly and accidentally fallen out of our safe place entirely! (Side note: personal boundaries are different than a comfort zone. A comfort zone should be stretched and tested so you can grow, while boundaries should be kept for your own emotional safety.) 

It is critical to keep up both our physical and emotional boundaries. In the context of a marriage, I like to think of boundaries like a special file folder of things only between husband and wife. With the exception of a couples counselor or other professional, other people should not be given access into that folder.

This means your co-workers don't need to hear everything wrong with your spouse, your family members don't need to hear about your sex life, and your friends don't need to be emotionally depended on to a greater extent than you depend on your spouse. Be especially cautious with friends who are members of the gender you are attracted to, even if you aren't attracted to them at the time, emotional intimacy can build attraction. In case you didn't realize it, emotional affairs still count as affairs (and sadly, they often lead to physical affairs).

Step 5: Learn How to Say Sorry and Forgive

Successful couples know how to really say sorry and forgive. Is it always easy? No. There is a tendency to re-hash old wounds during an argument even when those things from the past have been dealt with. This is a bad habit to get into, and it happens because we try to think of things to use as ammunition against the partner we are angry at.

The first step to saying sorry is sincerely apologizing for what you did. This means you say sorry and leave it at that, not throw in a, 'but I did that because...' The 'but' part cancels out the previous apology. Recognize your partner's feelings are valid, and whether you meant to hurt them or not, now is the time to apologize.

Forgiving is letting something from the past go and giving the person a chance to be trusted again. Forgiveness takes time, and it depends on the person how long. Respect the process. There are times, however, that you think you have forgiven someone, and then the bitter feelings sneak back in. Take a breath in and release that negative energy. Replace it with a visualization of sending love to them. (There are some great guided meditations out there along those lines such as https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4q5Cd-DsLI) The negative energy is hurting you more than it is hurting the person you aren't forgiving.

Practice, practice, practice! Give each other the chance to become better and earn trust again. One beautiful thing about marriage is that your spouse can help you become a better person than you could be alone, and vise-versa.

Lastly, don't be afraid to go to counseling if you feel it could help your marriage. It is better to do it sooner rather than later.


If you're wondering what steps 4 and 5 were to achieving marital bliss, then you have come to the right place. Read about steps 1-3 in my previous post:
 https://thementalaidstation.blogspot.com/2018/01/5-steps-to-marital-bliss-part-1.html

5 Steps to Marital Bliss (Part 1)

Step 1: Stop Expecting it

Seriously, stop. Stop comparing your marriage to the way other people's marriages seem to be (everyone has issues they are working on). Stop expecting perfection and doubting yourself, your spouse, and/or your marriage because it doesn't meet that unrealistic standard. Marriage is absolutely wonderful, but like many wonderful things in life, it requires constant work.

It's okay if you don't feel magical butterflies every day like you did in the early phases of dating! In fact, it's normal and expected. It doesn't mean the chemistry is gone, it simply means you are in a different and much deeper stage of love. Yes the novelty and newness are past, but the close connection you have built through time and trials can be much more meaningful. Don't get the wrong idea and think I am saying it's okay to ignore the need for date nights and romance. By all means, keep things exciting and fresh! Beware the dullness of the day-to-day schedule that can easily happen.

However, remember that all couples go through some highs and lows. I have worked with many clients who worry so much about their relationship not being perfect that it takes them away from being present in their relationship. Therefore they start ruining a perfectly good relationship because they are worrying about it excessively. Relax!

Step 2: Be Honest and Open

I can't emphasize this one enough. Many marital woes can be solved and even prevented with honest and open communication. Talk with your spouse about your feelings, goals, concerns, preferences, etc. Avoid assuming you are on the same page about things because there is a chance you are not. 

Make sure to say what you really mean, and not simply what you think your spouse wants to hear. When couples fall into the trap of hiding their real feelings in an effort to be unselfish, the resulting resentment can spoil the sweetness of the relationship. While it is important to be giving and willing to sacrifice in relationships, there is a balance. If you feel there is not enough reciprocation or compromise happening, don't silently go along with growing bitterness towards your partner, bring up your concerns and work towards a solution together.

Additionally, make sure to tune in and listen fully when your spouse is talking. In other words, put down or turn off the distractions and focus on each other. It makes quite a difference.

Step 3: Be Respectful and Kind

The step mentioned above, honesty, does not mean being brutally honest. Always be respectful and kind to your spouse, even when they may have made a mistake. No need to verbally attack them as a person or emotionally abuse them. Difficult things can be discussed in constructive ways, such as focusing on the specific behavior rather than making generalizations about the person. For example, avoid phrases like "You always..." or "You never..." or "You're a (insert insulting word or expletive)." Being mean is neither necessary nor helpful. 

However, in the heat of an argument, it can be hard to keep your cool. This is where "I feel" statements can come in handy. They force you to stop and think about how you are feeling, and they allow you to express those feelings to your partner in a way that can make you feel heard. I know they sound corny at first. If you seriously try using "I feel" statements, you will be amazed how they can help you work through conflict in healthier ways. After all, we know from relationship expert and psychologist, John Gottman, that the ability to work through conflict is a major predictor of relationships lasting.

Steps 4 and 5 will be shared in my blog post next week, so check back!