5 Steps to Marital Bliss (Part 2)

Step 4: Maintain Healthy Boundaries

We hear a lot of talk about boundaries lately, but what do they really mean? Furthermore, what do they mean in the marital context? Boundaries are basically the lines we draw to keep from hurting ourselves. Our boundaries are our safe space, and as such, they are important. When we extend beyond them, we put ourselves at risk.

Even if we convince ourselves it is okay to dangle our foot outside our boundary every now and then, we may find ourselves suddenly and accidentally fallen out of our safe place entirely! (Side note: personal boundaries are different than a comfort zone. A comfort zone should be stretched and tested so you can grow, while boundaries should be kept for your own emotional safety.) 

It is critical to keep up both our physical and emotional boundaries. In the context of a marriage, I like to think of boundaries like a special file folder of things only between husband and wife. With the exception of a couples counselor or other professional, other people should not be given access into that folder.

This means your co-workers don't need to hear everything wrong with your spouse, your family members don't need to hear about your sex life, and your friends don't need to be emotionally depended on to a greater extent than you depend on your spouse. Be especially cautious with friends who are members of the gender you are attracted to, even if you aren't attracted to them at the time, emotional intimacy can build attraction. In case you didn't realize it, emotional affairs still count as affairs (and sadly, they often lead to physical affairs).

Step 5: Learn How to Say Sorry and Forgive

Successful couples know how to really say sorry and forgive. Is it always easy? No. There is a tendency to re-hash old wounds during an argument even when those things from the past have been dealt with. This is a bad habit to get into, and it happens because we try to think of things to use as ammunition against the partner we are angry at.

The first step to saying sorry is sincerely apologizing for what you did. This means you say sorry and leave it at that, not throw in a, 'but I did that because...' The 'but' part cancels out the previous apology. Recognize your partner's feelings are valid, and whether you meant to hurt them or not, now is the time to apologize.

Forgiving is letting something from the past go and giving the person a chance to be trusted again. Forgiveness takes time, and it depends on the person how long. Respect the process. There are times, however, that you think you have forgiven someone, and then the bitter feelings sneak back in. Take a breath in and release that negative energy. Replace it with a visualization of sending love to them. (There are some great guided meditations out there along those lines such as https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4q5Cd-DsLI) The negative energy is hurting you more than it is hurting the person you aren't forgiving.

Practice, practice, practice! Give each other the chance to become better and earn trust again. One beautiful thing about marriage is that your spouse can help you become a better person than you could be alone, and vise-versa.

Lastly, don't be afraid to go to counseling if you feel it could help your marriage. It is better to do it sooner rather than later.


If you're wondering what steps 4 and 5 were to achieving marital bliss, then you have come to the right place. Read about steps 1-3 in my previous post:
 https://thementalaidstation.blogspot.com/2018/01/5-steps-to-marital-bliss-part-1.html

5 Steps to Marital Bliss (Part 1)

Step 1: Stop Expecting it

Seriously, stop. Stop comparing your marriage to the way other people's marriages seem to be (everyone has issues they are working on). Stop expecting perfection and doubting yourself, your spouse, and/or your marriage because it doesn't meet that unrealistic standard. Marriage is absolutely wonderful, but like many wonderful things in life, it requires constant work.

It's okay if you don't feel magical butterflies every day like you did in the early phases of dating! In fact, it's normal and expected. It doesn't mean the chemistry is gone, it simply means you are in a different and much deeper stage of love. Yes the novelty and newness are past, but the close connection you have built through time and trials can be much more meaningful. Don't get the wrong idea and think I am saying it's okay to ignore the need for date nights and romance. By all means, keep things exciting and fresh! Beware the dullness of the day-to-day schedule that can easily happen.

However, remember that all couples go through some highs and lows. I have worked with many clients who worry so much about their relationship not being perfect that it takes them away from being present in their relationship. Therefore they start ruining a perfectly good relationship because they are worrying about it excessively. Relax!

Step 2: Be Honest and Open

I can't emphasize this one enough. Many marital woes can be solved and even prevented with honest and open communication. Talk with your spouse about your feelings, goals, concerns, preferences, etc. Avoid assuming you are on the same page about things because there is a chance you are not. 

Make sure to say what you really mean, and not simply what you think your spouse wants to hear. When couples fall into the trap of hiding their real feelings in an effort to be unselfish, the resulting resentment can spoil the sweetness of the relationship. While it is important to be giving and willing to sacrifice in relationships, there is a balance. If you feel there is not enough reciprocation or compromise happening, don't silently go along with growing bitterness towards your partner, bring up your concerns and work towards a solution together.

Additionally, make sure to tune in and listen fully when your spouse is talking. In other words, put down or turn off the distractions and focus on each other. It makes quite a difference.

Step 3: Be Respectful and Kind

The step mentioned above, honesty, does not mean being brutally honest. Always be respectful and kind to your spouse, even when they may have made a mistake. No need to verbally attack them as a person or emotionally abuse them. Difficult things can be discussed in constructive ways, such as focusing on the specific behavior rather than making generalizations about the person. For example, avoid phrases like "You always..." or "You never..." or "You're a (insert insulting word or expletive)." Being mean is neither necessary nor helpful. 

However, in the heat of an argument, it can be hard to keep your cool. This is where "I feel" statements can come in handy. They force you to stop and think about how you are feeling, and they allow you to express those feelings to your partner in a way that can make you feel heard. I know they sound corny at first. If you seriously try using "I feel" statements, you will be amazed how they can help you work through conflict in healthier ways. After all, we know from relationship expert and psychologist, John Gottman, that the ability to work through conflict is a major predictor of relationships lasting.

Steps 4 and 5 will be shared in my blog post next week, so check back!

Utilizing the Mental Aid Stations in Life: It's Okay to Reach Out for Help!

People often have this idea ingrained in them that they have to handle things on their own, and they are weak if they need help sometimes. Combine that with the stigmatization of mental illness and the misunderstanding concerning what therapy really is, and many people that would benefit from therapy are left to struggle on their own.

Well let's put an end to those misunderstandings now!

The reason for my blog title, 'The Mental Aid Station,' was inspired by an event in my own life when I was too stubborn to utilize the help available. When I was training for my first marathon, I signed up for a half marathon as part of my training plan. Since I was in the marathon training mindset, I decided I didn't really need to re-hydrate much because it was 'only a half.' Basically, I thought I was too good for the aid stations...which I learned was a serious mistake. Finally, at mile 11, I realized how dehydrated I was and grabbed a water cup and quickly threw it in my mouth, barely geting any (as runners often do in races). When I crossed the finish line, I was so exhausted and lightheaded! The people in the medical tent spotted me, and I must have looked really bad because they kept asking if I was okay. I said, 'yes,' but they didn't believe me because I looked like I was going to pass out. They insisted I go to the medical tent to re-hydrate and warm up (the race involved freezing cold rain and wind). I felt so silly, but I learned an important lesson that goes beyond just running races.

We all have times in our lives when everything seems to crush us at once, and it is more than we can bear. These are often times of transition in life, such as:

• Trying to recover from a divorce or hitting a rocky point in your marriage
• Adjusting to the pressures of adulthood, often as a new college student
• Feeling a lack of purpose in life as an empty-nester
• Facing postpartum depression or anxiety as a new mom
• Emotionally processing a serious diagnosis--whether it be physical or mental
• Trying to function in daily life after experiencing trauma

              And the list goes on...

Misunderstanding #1: My problems aren't severe enough for therapy

It doesn't need to be a big event to get you down; little things can add up over time.  I learned as a crisis counselor that sometimes people would bring up these seemingly insignificant issues--such as getting a bad haircut--that brought them to the point of being suicidal (although there was always more to it once you dig deeper). There's no reason to feel like your problems aren't BIG enough to justify seeing a therapist. People perceive the difficulty of problems differently, so stop comparing your problems to someone else's, and start getting in tune with your own feelings and needs.

Misunderstanding #2: Therapy is only for seriously mentally ill people

Honestly, therapy can benefit anyone, and it is too bad it isn't available to more people. While it is true that insurance companies will only cover sessions when there is a diagnosis, that doesn't mean it needs to be a serious one. The DSM 5 (the diagnostic gold-standard for mental illness) has a wide range of diagnoses, and some, like Adjustment Disorder, only require having symptoms for a short period.  There are some serious mental illnesses, however, that people may not even realize they suffer from because that is what they have always known, and they are still able to function fairly well in life. For example, many clients I have worked with who suffer from OCD are incredibly intelligent and high-functioning despite their compulsions, but the intense anxiety they feel every day is not easy to live with. The realization that other people's thoughts don't get stuck in loops like theirs do all the time gives them hope for relief someday with treatment. 

Misunderstanding #3: All therapists are basically the same, so if I tried one that wasn't a good fit, I shouldn't try it again.

The therapeutic relationship between the therapist and client plays a major role in the success of therapy. So if you don't feel like your therapist understands you, or if you don't feel like you can connect with and trust them, then it is time to start shopping around for another therapist. Also, if your therapist simply sits there and gives advice, you probably should find a different one because the art of therapy involves much more than advice-giving. Sidenote: don't worry too much about how the session 'should' be. Leave your preconceived notions at the door. Your therapy session is your therapy session. It goes however you personally need it to go.  If you have a random thing on your mind you feel the need to process, don't wait around for your therapist to read your mind and ask about it, bring it up and discuss it in session!

Misunderstanding #4: Therapy is not affordable

Unfortunately, mental health coverage is often pretty minimal by insurance plans, but there are other options available. Does your employer have an employee assistance program you could utilize? Are you a college student? If so, your fees often cover the cost of a few sessions. Why not use them? It might not be the best therapy or specialized to your needs, but it gives you a place to start. There are many therapy students out there looking for clients, and that can be a very affordable option. There are some therapists that accept sliding scale payments based on how much you make. In fact, I happen to be one of those therapists! I believe there should be affordable therapy options available for everyone. However, if you absolutely cannot pay anything for therapy and are in crisis and really need someone to talk to, I would recommend calling or texting a crisis line. 741-741 is a great option, and they have thoroughly trained counselors.  Sometimes just making the first call to a therapy office can relieve some stress and lighten your burden. 

                  So what is stopping you? Try it out and stop passing up the aid stations in life!

Quick Overview of my Experience and Training

· Bachelor of Arts in Psychology with a minor in Family Studies from Weber State University

· Master of Social Work from Utah State

 · Intern for Head Start 

         · Intern for Youth Impact helping at-risk youth 

      · Assistant Caseworker for DCFS at the Christmas Box House helping abused and neglected children

· Mentor at Solstice Residential Treatment Center working with teenage girls

 · Crisis Counselor for the Crisis Text Line

 · School Social Work Intern for Provo School District

· Intern for Hope4Utah providing education for communities about suicide and helping with the curriculum for elementary schools

· Intern for OCD and Anxiety Treatment Center 

· Training in Exposure and Response Prevention treatment 

· Training in Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

My Journey to Becoming a Therapist

I knew early on that I wanted to be a therapist. My AP psychology class in high school was fascinating and I couldn't wait to go to college and learn more! I loved the feeling of listening to and validating people, and I felt so honored when people trusted me enough to tell me personal things. I also wanted to learn how to help people find solutions, particularly the mentally ill who are often misunderstood. However, I didn't know exactly which path to pursue to become a therapist. There are a few different routes to takes such as:

•  PhD in Psychology
• LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Counselor)
• LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor)
• LMHC (Licensed Mental Health Counselor) 
• LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker)

I figured I would start my undergraduate majoring in psychology because that is the father of the other fields. Luckily, I have a wise uncle with a Masters degree in Social Work as well as a PhD in Education who discussed the options with me. He suggested I take the social work route because it isn't as narrow as some of the other ones, while still being a respected and recognized degree. It also fit better with my plan to prioritize family life and motherhood because lets be honest, a PhD would be really hard to get while having babies! I recognize that everyone has a different path in life with various circumstances, but I personally didn't want to wait forever to start a family. 

Things didn't go exactly according to plan though because I originally wanted to start graduate school right after finishing my undergraduate degree. My husband, Brandon, graduated from Pharmacy school the same time I was finishing, so he was focusing on applying for jobs while I was focusing on applying to grad schools. All the while, we were hoping it would work out for both of us to be in the same place. Brandon's first job offer was in Boise Idaho, so I applied to the MSW program at Boise State. I was put on the waitlist, but they never told me what number I was so I just gave up hope on that one. We both preferred to stay in the state of Utah to be close to family, so I applied to the University of Utah and Brandon applied to lots of Utah jobs. I didn't apply to Utah State at the time because Logan was far away, and the part-time program at the distance campuses only started every three years, so it wouldn't start until 2014. 

I was discouraged after not getting accepted at the University of Utah. Looking back now, I realize I probably just didn't have enough experience because I was right out of school. I had some internship and volunteer experiences, but I mainly worked at a grocery store and ran track to get myself through college. Anyway, one of the social work advisers suggested the program at Eastern Washington University. I applied there and got accepted! I even started coordinating with their track coach because I had one year left of NCAA eligibility to compete. My husband tried to apply to jobs near Eastern Washington, but nothing was working out.

Brandon finally got the job offer he had been waiting for in Utah! I was excited but also worried about what would happen to my plans of graduate school. He called the pharmacy in Boise to let them know he was going to take a different position, and literally the day after, I got a call from Boise State telling me I was next on the waiting list and there was a spot for me in the program! The timing was such that we can't deny it was meant to be. We weren't supposed to move to Boise at that time, we were supposed to stay in Utah.

The question running through my mind was: now what? It was around that time that Brandon and I felt strongly that it was time to have a baby. So I continued working at the jobs in my field to gain experience, and I planned on applying to the Utah State distance program in Kaysville (not too far from Salt Lake). I figured graduate school wouldn't be too hard with a new baby if it were part-time.

We had our first baby in June, and I started my MSW at Utah State in August. Three years felt very long, I'm not going to lie, but it was a great experience and I learned so much. I couldn't have asked for better professors or a more amazing cohort. I am thankful I landed at Utah State because they have a fantastic MSW program. By the time I graduated, I had a 3 year old and was 7 months pregnant with my second! Things worked out for the best even if it wasn't according to my original plan. Life is often funny like that.